Cover to Cover

The middle aisle at Barnes and Noble always seems to be stocked with books I have never heard of before. New York Times best sellers and Oprah’s Book Club books lined four tables at the Bismarck location tonight, all under the category of “noteworthy fiction.” I looked for a little looking at books and yes, judging them by their cover. I always pick up books that look interesting and immediately open them to a random page, and read from the center to the bottom of the page. It’s an odd way of picking out books but has always worked for me.

While I was almost done reading a random page of a book called “Look me in the eye.” I looked down at a book with a Bible on the cover. I rolled my eyes. I have been avoiding Christian literature lately because it all seems to say the same thing and all ends with the conclusion that God really is real. I picked up the book and instead of looking at it how I would normally look at a book I looked at the front cover and then flipped it over to the back cover. Almost ready to plop the book back down onto the table I read the phrase “A sinners semester at Americas Holiest University.” I was curious.

I walked with 4 other books to the cafe area and sat down. Opening the book I was excited that there was no prologue to be found. Thank God. I hate those. I read the first two pages about Kevin Rooses’ journey from Brown University to Liberty University to “study” born again Christians. I was captivated. I kept reading and before I knew it I was 2 Chapters in. That is when I got a waft up my nose. A very strong stench of perfume was coming from the other side of the half wall I was sitting by, I looked and saw two young [about 22] girls with huge college books in their arms. They sat next to each other and started discussing topics from what I was guessing a pre-med final. Hoping they weren’t going to be too loud I went back to the book. Thats when he started talking about the “God-divide” and how it is sometimes hard for non-Christian to talk to born again believers. He encountered 3 people at a mega church and when they asked him “Do you know Christ?” He found that to them, he was an outsider.

Just then the girls that were on the other side of the half wall were saying hi to someone as he sat down. I looked over and there were now four people at the table. All of them with huge Biology books. I could over hear them talking about class and medical studies of some sort, before long their terms became way too much for my non-collegate brain. I looked around, looked down at my book, and kind of at their group and thought. “I am living the God divide that Kevin Roose is talking about.”

I never went to college but instead chose to “follow God” to Go Ministries for 2 years; being apart of the same rules and code of conduct the author subjected himself to. Side Hugs. No alcohol. No Secular Music. etc, etc, etc. He talked about how one of his friends was given 30 hours of community service because he went to a party and posted pictures of the said party on his myspace. I can relate. I was once pulled into an office and told “I am VERY disappointed in you.” by one of my leaders because I said I liked Kelly Clarkson on my facebook. I felt like I was one of the characters in this book being studied by the author.

On the other hand I feel like a Christian who is in the “world” trying to be a little more secular for everyone’s liking. I had a cook at work the other day ask me “Have you ever smoked?” “No” “Drank?” “Um…a little.” Pause. “Have you ever had sex?!?” Then after a series of other questions was asked how I “ever made it through life without trying anything.”

In my life I feel like I have always been a little too sinful for all of the Christians and a little too holy for all of the rest but today while reading this book I thought – why do we all think we are right about what is right? To some it isn’t “right” to drink but to others it isn’t “right” to pray before a meal. I am fed up with black, white, and grey areas. In the end, everyone may be wrong in the pursuit of each of us trying to be right. Just do what is right for you.

The Substatute

In a place between wakefulness and dreams, I had a… thought? revelation? awakening? I am not sure what to call it. But I would like to share it with you.

I woke up on a very early Friday morning, around 4:30 am. As I picked my head up to look at my phone and see what time it was, suddenly this thought came rushing to my mind. “What is the difference between saved and unsaved?” I saw these two groups of people in my head. Two groups that looked exactly the same. It appeared the difference between the two was really nothing. “the difference is nothing, both need God’s grace and love in their lives equally.”

Now, before you write me a nasty comment telling me how wrong you think I am; listen. Open your eyes. Isn’t it true? Last night I was at work when I was told by one of the cooks [let's call him Drew, cause that's his name] that the managers had become upset at the amount of smoke breaks some of the staff were taking and so they had decided that each employee who smoked could only have one smoke break every 4 hours. Drew, to put it bluntly was pissed. I looked at him with a sort of compassion and told him if he wanted me to, I would go to the gas station after work to get him an energy drink. I knew it wouldn’t give him his cigarette fix, but it was a substatute.

A substitute. What have I been substituting for God? Energy drinks? Talks with friends? Anything when I really needed to spend time with Jesus? I somehow turned Drews cigarette situation around and thought; what if that was me? What if someone limited my time with God to one 15 minute break every 4 hours to spend with God. Am I making sense? I need God every day, every hour. Just like Drew needs a cigarette. Please don’t get me wrong I am in no way judging Drew for smoking but rather thanking him for opening my eyes to what was going on all around me. What if an energy drink was the same as a cigarette? What if a nap was the same as time with God? These things are not the same. What if we looked at people as people who need Gods grace, and not as saved or unsaved. Because no matter what you or anyone substitutes for God’s grace, we all still need it and crave it like a cigarette everyday.

Ever so greatful.

• My God, who gives me life every day, reminds me that I am still breathing, and keeps me going
• My family, who have supported me through a ton of crap.
• My friends, near and far you make me laugh, sit with me when I cry, and put up with my crazy antics. Thank you.
• My job, and the fact that I meet cool people everyday just by asking if they would like more salsa.
• My church, Bloom. I am thankful that this church isn’t just a thought anymore. One year ago it was.
• For the city of Minneapolis.
• For the city of Bismarck.
• For the missionaries who have opened my eyes [LeeAnn Risk, Ben Yahuda, Lilliane Rood, Diana Tripke]
• For the fact that I have running and clean water
• For where I have been and even more for where I am going.
• To be in a country where I can love the Lord openly.
• For under ground churches. God bless you.
• For my Bible. And how stinkin’ awesome it is. [NIV/Message parallel]
• For all the kids in my life. [Mia, Macy, Madeline, Tory, Kadon, Savanna, etc.]
• I am thankful that God put all of these things in my life just because He knew I would love them.

Happy Thanksgiving. What are YOU thankful for?

Something that scares you [November]

What I did: Went to a movie by myself :/

Location: Grand Theater // http://www.grandtheaters.com/

Date and time: November 20, 2009 // 9:30pm-11:45pm

Reasoning: I admit it. I wanted to see the new Twilight movie. I decided to go to the 9:40 show but when I got to the theater it was sold out [I wasn't really surprised] so I walked out the door. Then I thought, I hadn’t done anything that scared me in October and I need something for November. So I turned around, walked back into the theater and asked for a ticket for one.

How I felt: Awkward. This theater has about 15 different screening rooms and my movie happened to be in the smallest one with only about 8 rows of chairs on each side of the room. Not very many people were seeing the movie, there were about 6 people other than myself. When a girl came into the room and sat by herself, I smiled. It was like God was telling me that it was ok that I was there by myself. After a few minutes her boyfriend joined her but still. I eventually relaxed. There was however this man behind me who overshadowed the movie a little. He was a very very heavy breather. The people in front of me even turned around a couple times to look at him.

What I saw: The Box // http://thebox-movie.warnerbros.com/

Would I recommend doing this: Yes. But avoid heavy breathers.

Would I do this again: Most likely.

Final thoughts: Although I wouldn’t recommend seeing this particular movie, I would recommend going to a movie by yourself. It is a little odd to get up, go to the bathroom, and not have any one to ask “what’d I miss?” but other than that it was a pleasant experience. It actually gave me a lot of confidence knowing that I was fine all by myself. What have you done by yourself lately?

10 things I hate about new jobs.

I just got home from my first day at the Salon and I was thinking about all of the “first days” I have had at different jobs, all of them have been awkward and so I decided to blog about why. If any of my employers read this, you know it’s true.

10. Not knowing what to wear.
I don’t know why but a boss has NEVER told me what to wear on my first day so I always come dressed in a skirt or nice dress pants and end up watching videos all day or fill out paperwork.

9. Drug Testing.
At Target I had to take a drug test within 48 hours of being hired. Peeing in a cup – not so fun.

8. Not knowing where to stand.
I ALWAYS feel like I am in someones way, especially in a kitchen. Or when you run into someone because you have no clue what you are doing yet.

7. Waking up early.
In the first couple days of new job I wake up early so I can look my best and be at least 10 minutes early. I don’t like mornings what so ever.

6. 2 Valid forms of I.D.
What is a VALID form of ID? I have no idea. Does a library card count? Why can’t I just give you my drivers license?

5. Sexual Harassment videos.
These things are SO old it’s ridiculous. I watched one at Cracker Barrel where the woman were in Poodle Skirts and a guy looked at a girl wrong so there was a red sign flashing on the screen saying “It’s called Sexual Harassment and I don’t have to take it.”

4. “When this person worked here…”
When I worked at Living Word I was replacing someone who had the position for 28 years. It was the most annoying thing in the world for people to come to me and say “When Stephanie was working here, we did things like this.” Or they would call me little Stephanie. Or Stephanie’s replacement.  Or if I changed anything I would not hear the end of how Stephanie would do things different.

3. Training.
I am not sure why but my mind becomes mush after about 2 hours of training. I am more of a hands on learner and if someone is showing me how to do something on the computer, I need to do it to learn. My trainer at Paradiso would touch the screen to ring in food so fast that when I was by myself I had to figure it out. I liked how I was taught at Living Word – “I’m going on Vacation while you figure out how to do this.” It worked.

2. Constant Nodding.
I don’t really talk on my first day. I just smile and nod.

1. Awkward introductions.
“This is April she is going to be one of our receptionists” hand shake. Odd look like “ok, are you going to last long? Should I learn your name?” I don’t know what it is about meeting new people in a work environment but it’s super awkward.

“Life is too short to have the wrong job.” – Benjie Tiongco

The many jobs I have held in my life.

1. Dairy Queen [I decorated cakes & made ice cream] 2. North American Steak Buffet [Worst job EVER. I filled Salad on the salad bar] 3.Grand Theater [Free Movies because I made popcorn ] 4. Hallmark [Reading cards & smelling candles] 5. Cracker Barrel [Server! I loved it.] 6. Famous Dave’s [Server again! Helped reopen the restaurant from shack style to full service] 7. Living Word Christian Center [Administrative Assistant to Senior High Youth Pastor. Longest title in the world for someone who hung out with youth all day.] 8. Target [For a month, the discount rocked.] 9. St. Davids Child Development Center [PCA for 2 amazing girls! I got paid to make peanut butter play dough and read fancy nancy stories to my favorite kids!] 10. New Horizon Academy [Infant Room Teacher - loved the kids, hated the job] 11. Paradiso [Currently // Server again I love the people. Love the food. I could work at a restaurant for the rest of my life.] 12. JcPenney Salon [Currently // Receptionist. It's only been a day but I like it so far, woo hoo for free hair cuts!]

**I hope you found this funny cause I did.

Purple Bracelet

“I need a sea ench with no garnish on the fly please!” I walked away from the kitchen and back into the dining room. I grabbed empty chip baskets, topped off sodas, ran back to the kitchen to get the seafood enchilada, almost ran into someone [which happens every 2 seconds], and went back into the dining room. “Please be careful your plate is going to be very hot.” I put the plate down and as I did, I looked down to see my little purple bracelet. As I walked back to the kitchen I smiled, thinking about the little girl who made me this bracelet.

I went to Minneapolis for a long weekend and I came back feeling VERY loved. When I first came back to Bismarck I was confused, hurt, and felt like I had been running in a field of roses with really pointy long thorns for a very long time. But after two months of processing and realising that my expectations of people was really the problem, going to Minneapolis was a need. Let me tell you why.

When I first got to Minneapolis after a 6 hour drive I was greeted by a good friend of mine at the end of his driveway, in his slippers and his arms wide open. I got out of the car and kind of giggled looking at him with a hilarious grin on his face. I walked up tp the house where I heard his two daughters fighting over who got to hug me first. I felt at home.

The next day I was getting my hair cut at my favorite salon and was talking to my stylist about events that had happened in the past couple months and he said something to the effect of “Wow, you went through all of that and you are still smiling? You’re a strong girl.”

One of my friends who I also consider a mentor pretty much drove me around for three days without complaining about anything. She can’t handle alot of my ADHD tendencies and going all the time but she was a great sport. She even went to three differnt churches with me.

The biggest momnet for me was on Sunday. I walked into a church I had never seen before. I helped plant this church and it was probably one of the things I am most proud of in my life. Bloom Church had launched six Sundays before this one and I had never been there. This day was like my launch sunday. I was attacked with hugs. There was an 11-year-old girl with tears in her eyes telling me she missed me so much then said “I have something for you!” And she wrapped a little purple bracelet around my right wrist. She told me she made it for me because she was so impatient waiting for me to walk up the steps that day that she needed something to occupy her time. But I don’t think she knows how much this present meant to me.

To me this little purple bracelet reminds me of how loved I am. I had told a couple people in Minneapolis that I was pretty lonely in North Dakota and that this past weekend made me realise what I have. Friends that care really are family that love me. I was asking the Lord to somehow remind me of the feeling of that weekend. For something to be a constant reminder. And I think when Mia wrapped this little purple bracelet around my wrist, it was a reminder from the Lord that I am truly loved, and that I am not alone.

 

::Ubber Crafty::

I stumbled upon this great great great blog called “The Copy & Paste Project” [http://thecopyandpasteproject.blogspot.com/] created by a couple girls I am guessing are from the UK [um, wondering where all of a sudden I am finding cool peeps from the UK online? Me too.] that are ubber crafty. After scrolling through their combined blog then their personal blogs, I was so inspired to do some sewing, which I hadn’t done since high school.

My mom asked me to go to a craft store with her today and I accepted and walked out with a sack full of crafty things. I may have been a little over zealous but this is what I made:

http://twitpic.com/ljwoo [click on link to see pic]

It’s not completely done yet but it’s a start! I am sure it will look differnt in a couple weeks. I can’t leave anything plain for long!

//April

Sans Plan.

“It’s really nice not knowing what I’m going to do next.” – Lauren Conrad

“It is more than ok to not know what you are doing.” I closed my eyes as I heard my friend Aaron on the other end of the phone. He had no idea that the statement he had just made was something that had been stewing in my mind all night.

Aaron and I had been planning a phone date for the past couple days, trying to coordinate his crazy Navy man barrick schedule and my fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants unscheduled schedule. Missed calls had become a pattern in my life. I realised I missed his call when I was sitting at a table with high school friends as I grabbed my wallet and phone to go to the bar with my friend Linda. We had just witnessed the uniting of two of our friends; Alyssa and Cole. During the wedding ceremony [one of the most hilarious ceremonies ever by the way] the Pastor mentioned how during premarital counseling Alyssa had told him that Cole would like her to be more in the moment. Knowing this, the Pastor gave them a special gift that looked like an old fashioned outdoor hose valve. He explained as he turned the valve to off that sometimes Alyssa needed to “shut it down”, live in the moment, and know that you can’t plan everything. This ceremony turned object lesson struck a chord in me.

In the past 8-9 months I have been on countless interviews and every single one has included the question “Where do you see yourself in five years?” This question would leave me speechless, nervous, and in a cold sweat. Where do I see myself? I have no idea! After a couple seconds of “uh I uh..” I answer the question with “Well, um hopefully married with children” when I knew the person interviewing me is looking for an answer geared toward a career. After a couple interviews I became obsessed with finding my answer to the question. When people would ask me “what have you been up to?” or ‘whats your plan?” I would answer their question as if I were in a job interview, leaving out details of my personal life answering the question like this “I was an Assistant for three years and enjoyed it. However now I am exploring options for a career. Possibly culinary school or even journalism.” I was going to make sure if I was asked any of these questions I would have a solid planned out answer. It was becoming a sickness I called obsessive planning disorder.

When I came back home I expected to answer these questions multiple times but I was ok with that because I had a well planned, thought out, fool proof answer. For the first couple weeks back I had made a choice that under no circumstances was I going to stay for more than 2 months. I was going back to Minneapolis and back to my life. But now as I sit here I feel like the last couple months have been a breath of fresh air. I have space. I don’t feel like answering an interview question. I don’t feel like planning.

Tonight as I said goodbye to my old friends and walked out of the reception hall, I looked around me. I never expected to be here having phone dates with people I had become friends with in Minnesota. About an hour later when Aaron and I actually connected he asked me one simple question “so, what’s the plan?” I replied confidently with no nervousness, lose of speech, or cold sweating. I smiled and simply said ”I have no idea.”

Something that scares you. [September]

Purpose: I decided I am going to start to do atleast one thing a month that scares me or pushes me out of my comfort zone and then write about it. I am a person who dosen’t like doing things alone. I love adventure but I always feel the need to take someone along with me when I try new things. These things maybe sort of tame at first but I that’s ok. I may start out going to a soccer game by myself and cheerng for someone I don’t know [which I did in August, scary] or I may go drive someone and camp by myself on my day off. Whatever I do, I want to write it down and remember how it felt. I hope you enjoy.

- – - -

What I did: Went out to eat by myself :/

Location: Bistro American Cafe // http://www.bistro1100.com/

Date and time: September 22nd 2009 // 2:15pm-3:07pm

Reasoning: I have been a server at three different restaurants in my life and have “1 tops” fairly often. If you don’t know what a “1 top” is, it’s a person who sits at a restaurant by themselves. I have always wanted to this because I have always wanted to put myself in my customers shoes. What could I do to make a “1 top” feel less lonwly when they are sitting at my table? When I went to Bistro, I made myself stop thinking like a server, and think like a “1 top” guest.

How I felt: I walked in the doors of Bistro, one of the only upscale restaurnts in Bismarck ND, and was a little scared. I was greeted by a nice bartender who told me that the dining room was closed but I could sit anywhere I wanted to in the bar area. I sat on a stool, asked for a coke, and looked at the menu. I was suprised by how I felt. I thought I would feel lonely and wouldn’t be able to wait to leave. But instead, I had time to think. Time to sit. I had time to slow down. During my entire meal I left my phone in my purse, read little, and took some time for myself. It was more enjpyable than I thought it would be.

What I ate: Asian Scallop Salad [it was HUGE!]

Would I recommend doing this: Yes. Especially if you need to take time for yourself.

Would I do this again: Absolutely. I will admit it was easier sitting at a stool than a table. I would take that into consideration.

Final thoughts: There was a man sitting across the bar from me for about 15 minutes who was talking very loudly on his cell phone. He was telling the person on the phone that he was in North Dakota and then joked about the word “eh” he was a very loud man who kept looking at his phone and standing up, pacing around. I could tell he was very uncomfortable being there by himself. I found myslef hoping he would sit down and realise its ok to be by yourself. And then I thought – yes. It really is ok to be by yourself.

Pictures or it didn’t happen:

expect the unexpected

How shall I start this… let me count the ways I have tried to start this. I decided this will probably be one of the most honest things I have ever told all of you. So I am diving in. Brace yourselves.

I have been told my entire life that everyone makes mistakes and that it is ok because that is how you learn. I know alot of you are aware of all of the “mistakes” I have made since I left my job at LWCC back in February- I am sure many of you have asked yourself “What on earth is April doing?” and I, to be honest have been asking myself that same question. I think I asked many, many, many of you the question “What do YOU think I should do?” And that may have been one of the biggest mistakes of all.

I have been in Bismarck, ND for the past 2 weeks. Visiting family, thinking, breathing, and figuring out what I am supposed to do with my life. A good friend of mine has told me a couple of times “You don’t need step 16 when you are on step 3, you need step 4.” For the past 2 months I feel like I am on step -42 trying to jump to step 92 and needless to say, it wasn’t working. I asked my friends what they thought I should do, even tried to take a job out of the counrty [which at the moment is on pause], and ultimately became the worst version of myself I had ever seen.

What are you saying April? Good question. I am saying that since I have been in Bismarck, I have been offered 3 differnt jobs. I have 0 in Minneapolis. So after 2 weeks of thinking, praying, seeing what played out, and asking no one but God for advice – I have decided to stay in Bismarck for a couple of months. [gasp] Probably about 6 months.

I am sure all of you have lots of questions, so do I. All I know right now is I am going to be living with my sister, working at her daycare, working at a restaurant called Paradiso as a server http://bit.ly/d2cZD and get out of the debt I currently have. I am going to be in Minneapolis for a weekend sometime soon to get some stuff but I am not sure when. Everything else will work out in time. I am just taking step 1.

I wanted all of you to know this because I love you, and truely value you and your input input in my life. You can call, write, text, tweet, facebook, etc me while I am here. Again I say I love you all – very much.