Purple Bracelet

“I need a sea ench with no garnish on the fly please!” I walked away from the kitchen and back into the dining room. I grabbed empty chip baskets, topped off sodas, ran back to the kitchen to get the seafood enchilada, almost ran into someone [which happens every 2 seconds], and went back into the dining room. “Please be careful your plate is going to be very hot.” I put the plate down and as I did, I looked down to see my little purple bracelet. As I walked back to the kitchen I smiled, thinking about the little girl who made me this bracelet.

I went to Minneapolis for a long weekend and I came back feeling VERY loved. When I first came back to Bismarck I was confused, hurt, and felt like I had been running in a field of roses with really pointy long thorns for a very long time. But after two months of processing and realising that my expectations of people was really the problem, going to Minneapolis was a need. Let me tell you why.

When I first got to Minneapolis after a 6 hour drive I was greeted by a good friend of mine at the end of his driveway, in his slippers and his arms wide open. I got out of the car and kind of giggled looking at him with a hilarious grin on his face. I walked up tp the house where I heard his two daughters fighting over who got to hug me first. I felt at home.

The next day I was getting my hair cut at my favorite salon and was talking to my stylist about events that had happened in the past couple months and he said something to the effect of “Wow, you went through all of that and you are still smiling? You’re a strong girl.”

One of my friends who I also consider a mentor pretty much drove me around for three days without complaining about anything. She can’t handle alot of my ADHD tendencies and going all the time but she was a great sport. She even went to three differnt churches with me.

The biggest momnet for me was on Sunday. I walked into a church I had never seen before. I helped plant this church and it was probably one of the things I am most proud of in my life. Bloom Church had launched six Sundays before this one and I had never been there. This day was like my launch sunday. I was attacked with hugs. There was an 11-year-old girl with tears in her eyes telling me she missed me so much then said “I have something for you!” And she wrapped a little purple bracelet around my right wrist. She told me she made it for me because she was so impatient waiting for me to walk up the steps that day that she needed something to occupy her time. But I don’t think she knows how much this present meant to me.

To me this little purple bracelet reminds me of how loved I am. I had told a couple people in Minneapolis that I was pretty lonely in North Dakota and that this past weekend made me realise what I have. Friends that care really are family that love me. I was asking the Lord to somehow remind me of the feeling of that weekend. For something to be a constant reminder. And I think when Mia wrapped this little purple bracelet around my wrist, it was a reminder from the Lord that I am truly loved, and that I am not alone.

 

::Ubber Crafty::

I stumbled upon this great great great blog called “The Copy & Paste Project” [http://thecopyandpasteproject.blogspot.com/] created by a couple girls I am guessing are from the UK [um, wondering where all of a sudden I am finding cool peeps from the UK online? Me too.] that are ubber crafty. After scrolling through their combined blog then their personal blogs, I was so inspired to do some sewing, which I hadn’t done since high school.

My mom asked me to go to a craft store with her today and I accepted and walked out with a sack full of crafty things. I may have been a little over zealous but this is what I made:

http://twitpic.com/ljwoo [click on link to see pic]

It’s not completely done yet but it’s a start! I am sure it will look differnt in a couple weeks. I can’t leave anything plain for long!

//April

Sans Plan.

“It’s really nice not knowing what I’m going to do next.” – Lauren Conrad

“It is more than ok to not know what you are doing.” I closed my eyes as I heard my friend Aaron on the other end of the phone. He had no idea that the statement he had just made was something that had been stewing in my mind all night.

Aaron and I had been planning a phone date for the past couple days, trying to coordinate his crazy Navy man barrick schedule and my fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants unscheduled schedule. Missed calls had become a pattern in my life. I realised I missed his call when I was sitting at a table with high school friends as I grabbed my wallet and phone to go to the bar with my friend Linda. We had just witnessed the uniting of two of our friends; Alyssa and Cole. During the wedding ceremony [one of the most hilarious ceremonies ever by the way] the Pastor mentioned how during premarital counseling Alyssa had told him that Cole would like her to be more in the moment. Knowing this, the Pastor gave them a special gift that looked like an old fashioned outdoor hose valve. He explained as he turned the valve to off that sometimes Alyssa needed to “shut it down”, live in the moment, and know that you can’t plan everything. This ceremony turned object lesson struck a chord in me.

In the past 8-9 months I have been on countless interviews and every single one has included the question “Where do you see yourself in five years?” This question would leave me speechless, nervous, and in a cold sweat. Where do I see myself? I have no idea! After a couple seconds of “uh I uh..” I answer the question with “Well, um hopefully married with children” when I knew the person interviewing me is looking for an answer geared toward a career. After a couple interviews I became obsessed with finding my answer to the question. When people would ask me “what have you been up to?” or ‘whats your plan?” I would answer their question as if I were in a job interview, leaving out details of my personal life answering the question like this “I was an Assistant for three years and enjoyed it. However now I am exploring options for a career. Possibly culinary school or even journalism.” I was going to make sure if I was asked any of these questions I would have a solid planned out answer. It was becoming a sickness I called obsessive planning disorder.

When I came back home I expected to answer these questions multiple times but I was ok with that because I had a well planned, thought out, fool proof answer. For the first couple weeks back I had made a choice that under no circumstances was I going to stay for more than 2 months. I was going back to Minneapolis and back to my life. But now as I sit here I feel like the last couple months have been a breath of fresh air. I have space. I don’t feel like answering an interview question. I don’t feel like planning.

Tonight as I said goodbye to my old friends and walked out of the reception hall, I looked around me. I never expected to be here having phone dates with people I had become friends with in Minnesota. About an hour later when Aaron and I actually connected he asked me one simple question “so, what’s the plan?” I replied confidently with no nervousness, lose of speech, or cold sweating. I smiled and simply said ”I have no idea.”

Something that scares you. [September]

Purpose: I decided I am going to start to do atleast one thing a month that scares me or pushes me out of my comfort zone and then write about it. I am a person who dosen’t like doing things alone. I love adventure but I always feel the need to take someone along with me when I try new things. These things maybe sort of tame at first but I that’s ok. I may start out going to a soccer game by myself and cheerng for someone I don’t know [which I did in August, scary] or I may go drive someone and camp by myself on my day off. Whatever I do, I want to write it down and remember how it felt. I hope you enjoy.

- – - -

What I did: Went out to eat by myself :/

Location: Bistro American Cafe // http://www.bistro1100.com/

Date and time: September 22nd 2009 // 2:15pm-3:07pm

Reasoning: I have been a server at three different restaurants in my life and have “1 tops” fairly often. If you don’t know what a “1 top” is, it’s a person who sits at a restaurant by themselves. I have always wanted to this because I have always wanted to put myself in my customers shoes. What could I do to make a “1 top” feel less lonwly when they are sitting at my table? When I went to Bistro, I made myself stop thinking like a server, and think like a “1 top” guest.

How I felt: I walked in the doors of Bistro, one of the only upscale restaurnts in Bismarck ND, and was a little scared. I was greeted by a nice bartender who told me that the dining room was closed but I could sit anywhere I wanted to in the bar area. I sat on a stool, asked for a coke, and looked at the menu. I was suprised by how I felt. I thought I would feel lonely and wouldn’t be able to wait to leave. But instead, I had time to think. Time to sit. I had time to slow down. During my entire meal I left my phone in my purse, read little, and took some time for myself. It was more enjpyable than I thought it would be.

What I ate: Asian Scallop Salad [it was HUGE!]

Would I recommend doing this: Yes. Especially if you need to take time for yourself.

Would I do this again: Absolutely. I will admit it was easier sitting at a stool than a table. I would take that into consideration.

Final thoughts: There was a man sitting across the bar from me for about 15 minutes who was talking very loudly on his cell phone. He was telling the person on the phone that he was in North Dakota and then joked about the word “eh” he was a very loud man who kept looking at his phone and standing up, pacing around. I could tell he was very uncomfortable being there by himself. I found myslef hoping he would sit down and realise its ok to be by yourself. And then I thought – yes. It really is ok to be by yourself.

Pictures or it didn’t happen:

expect the unexpected

How shall I start this… let me count the ways I have tried to start this. I decided this will probably be one of the most honest things I have ever told all of you. So I am diving in. Brace yourselves.

I have been told my entire life that everyone makes mistakes and that it is ok because that is how you learn. I know alot of you are aware of all of the “mistakes” I have made since I left my job at LWCC back in February- I am sure many of you have asked yourself “What on earth is April doing?” and I, to be honest have been asking myself that same question. I think I asked many, many, many of you the question “What do YOU think I should do?” And that may have been one of the biggest mistakes of all.

I have been in Bismarck, ND for the past 2 weeks. Visiting family, thinking, breathing, and figuring out what I am supposed to do with my life. A good friend of mine has told me a couple of times “You don’t need step 16 when you are on step 3, you need step 4.” For the past 2 months I feel like I am on step -42 trying to jump to step 92 and needless to say, it wasn’t working. I asked my friends what they thought I should do, even tried to take a job out of the counrty [which at the moment is on pause], and ultimately became the worst version of myself I had ever seen.

What are you saying April? Good question. I am saying that since I have been in Bismarck, I have been offered 3 differnt jobs. I have 0 in Minneapolis. So after 2 weeks of thinking, praying, seeing what played out, and asking no one but God for advice – I have decided to stay in Bismarck for a couple of months. [gasp] Probably about 6 months.

I am sure all of you have lots of questions, so do I. All I know right now is I am going to be living with my sister, working at her daycare, working at a restaurant called Paradiso as a server http://bit.ly/d2cZD and get out of the debt I currently have. I am going to be in Minneapolis for a weekend sometime soon to get some stuff but I am not sure when. Everything else will work out in time. I am just taking step 1.

I wanted all of you to know this because I love you, and truely value you and your input input in my life. You can call, write, text, tweet, facebook, etc me while I am here. Again I say I love you all – very much.

Endangered Species

Writers note: Please read the entire story if you start reading it. This post may be a little too much for readers under the age of 16.

She woke up from what seemed to be a lifetime and looked around the room. It was dark; no windows and deep red curtains lined the walls. She tried to get up but couldn’t, one of her arms was chained to the bed frame.

The arm that was chained to the bed was black and blue and had track marks all over it from men injecting more and more drugs into it.

“Hey, number 22.” She squinted to see who was calling her “shower, you have a customer in a half hour.” He unlocked her from the bed and grabbed her arm; she closed her eyes in pain as he almost threw her into the bathroom, locking it from the outside behind her.

In the bathroom there was one towel, some shampoo and new clothes. She had never seen the clothes before and they looked expensive. “Must be an important customer.” She thought

As the cold water turned luke warm, she shut her eyes tight, trying to think of how it was before she was there, how free she felt walking around on the streets all by herself. It was blissful on Saturdays, she would walk around her home town going to museums and drinking coffee. Just walking around the city.

One day as she was buying her chai, she realized she didn’t have any money on her and had left her wallet at home. As she turned to leave without her drink, she heard a voice behind her “I’ll take care of it.” She turned around and saw the most handsome man she had ever seen. He had green eyes and dark hair and of course a great smile. His name was Javin, just passing through the city. They sat down and talked for about 2 hours. It was the best afternoon of her life.

Before he stood to leave the coffee shop he asked if she would like to have dinner with him that night and of course, grinning ear to ear she agreed. They spent a couple weeks dating and she was in head over heals. One night when he took her out for a surprise dinner, she was blindfolded as they pulled up to what she thought was a restaurant and rough hands grabbed her, took her out of the car, and walked her down a hallway. She wasn’t sure what was going on for the next couple minutes but she trusted him but then she heard him say words she would never forget “She’s all yours.” Then, everything went black.

The next 8 months she spent chained to a bed as customer after customer visited her for a good time. She had been sold by her boyfriend into sex trafficking.

For the first month she fought as hard as she could against the men, but that only gave them more reason to give her harder drugs. By month two, she would beg for drugs so she wouldn’t shake. She never met a guy who wanted to know her name and many of them weren’t even nice. The first customer had paid a high price for a virgin, but was disappointed so she didn’t eat for three days for not delivering a promising service. From then on she learned to survive, knowing that she would probably never get out of this. Many girls had tried fleeing, being punished by standing completely naked in a room of five men for hours. No rules in that room.

As she turned the shower off she sighed, looking in the mirror that was broken. She had circles under her eyes and her skin was almost flakey. She grabbed the makeup that was on the counter and dusted it over her face, knowing that she needed to look her best for this important customer.

After she was finished dressing she knocked on the bathroom door “finished” she said. The guard opened the door and grabbed her arm again “You’re going to a new room. This customer paid lots of money for you. Do good with him and we’ll feed you.”

Food. The word sounded foreign. He walked her for a couple minutes then stopped at a door she had never seen before. “He paid for 2 hours.” The guard said as he opened the door and pushed her in. She wasn’t scared anymore, not after all she had been through but this room she had never been in. She raised her eyebrows as she saw champagne and grapes on a table in the corner. She went over to the bed and sat, waiting for her customer.

After about ten minutes of her waiting in this room, the door opened and she stood up promptly. “Hello.” She said “I heard you paid a high price for me. I won’t disappoint you.” She turned around to look at him and she almost gasped. He didn’t look like the others. He was about 21 and dressed nicely, but he looked very, nice. “Please, sit down.” He said, “I want to talk to you.” Talking? That never happened. Why did he want to talk to her? Now she was curious.

“I’m good.” She said “trust me, I’m good.” She started to take off his jacket and he stopped her. She looked at his face, confused. “Listen, what’s your name?” He asked her this question with the sweetest eyes she had ever seen. “Number 22.” She said, looking out the window. “For real, what’s your real name?” She hung her head, about to cry. Why did he care? She would never see him after this, why did he care?

“Jessica.” She said, very quietly. “My name is Jessica.” He looked at her and lifted her head with his finger. “Jessica, my name is Brandon. I want to buy you.”

He wants to buy me? So I can be a sex slave for him? “What do you mean?” She asked, not really wanting to know the answer. “I want to buy you. So you don’t have to do this anymore. I paid a lot of money for two hours with you today and after I am prepared to offer this man who owns you whatever he wants, so that you can be free.” She didn’t trust him. Not for a second. “Sir, what would you like? I –“ He cut her off with the following statement “I work for a company that helps girls like you. But you have to let me help you.” For the first time eight months, she felt. She felt hungry, sad, excited, and hopeful. “Yes. Please, please help me.”
After two hours of figuring out everything, he told her he would come back for her the next morning, after talking to the man who currently owned her. She hugged him and the door opened. “Times up.” The guard said. “She was good. She was very good. I would like to talk to your boss.” The door closed again and she was left, sitting on the bed.

She smiled for the first time in a long time. This man, Brandon was going to help her. And she was going to get food, he said she was good.

The next morning she woke up, the guard told her to take a shower because she had another important customer coming. Brandon she thought, it has to be Brandon.

When the customer came it wasn’t Brandon. Neither was the next, or the next. The day went by, no Brandon. Then, the next day, she took a shower again and was given a small meal. She was led back to her room, convinced he wasn’t coming. So much for hope.

Just then, the door opened and she was taken downstairs, Brandon was standing in front of the boss. She was blindfolded and he took her arm gently. “If she doesn’t work out, bring her back and we can exchange.” Her owner was telling Brandon.

She walked out to the car and put in the back seat. They drove for about 10 minutes and she was told to take off her blindfold. She blinking for a about a minute then looked over to see Brandon, and tears rolled down her cheeks. She put her head in her hands and he pulled her close. “It’s ok Jessica, you’re safe now. Would you like something to eat?”

Over the next few days Brandon and her shopped for clothes and Jessica ate as much as she could and slept as much as she could. She was free. She was no longer a hostage. She didn’t know what was going to do next but she was free. That’s all that mattered.

// For the last couple months I have been praying for woman who are enslaved in sex trafficing. As I learning more about it, I keep seeing this girl named Jessica in my mind and imagine her being rescued. This woman may be real, I am not sure but I know that God has put this issue on my heart, especially since the church I am helping plant is going to be in St.Paul – one of the top places in America for sex trafficking. //

Stawberry, Black Cherry, Mixed Berry

“Coconut fruit bars. No, not like the granola bars that would be gross, I’m still deciding on Popsicles.” I tilted my head to the right to rest my phone on my ear and let go of the handle of my target shopping basket. I picked up the box of coconut Popsicles and stared. I wanted to try them SO bad but I was not in an adventurous mood, my throat hurt and I wanted some Popsicles to sooth it. Unfortunately my friend on the other line was no helping make the decision.

“I don’t think I’ve tried them, I don’t like coconut but you like Pina Colada type stuff so you would like them. Should I cut me hair?” I smiled a little and rolled my eyes at my random friend on the line. Alot of our conversations tend to be like this but today as I was standing in front of a very cold freezer at target, I wanted here to help me make a decision.

“What were the options again?” Sarah asked
“A box of just 6 Coconut, a box of 12 Strawberry, Mixed Berry, Black Cherry, or a box of lime, strawberry, wildberry.” I answered putting down the box of coconut Popsicles and looking over at the Kemp’s ice cream bars. No April. Ice Cream. Bad.

My fingers were freezing again as I stepped back and watched as a woman next to me made her decision of Orange and Cream Popsicles very quickly and almost ran down the aisle. “Or…Maybe orange and cream should be an option.” I could tell Sarah was getting bored with me going over and over Popsicle choices, and I was supposed to be helping her put together a vegetarian pasta sauce at the same time. I let out a deep breath and grabbed the box of Strawberry, Black Cherry, and Mixed Berry Popsicles and threw them in my basket. I walked away as fast as I could as to not see any other Popsicle [or ice cream] options.

I could be deep right now and tell you all the I am realising [sadly, for almost the first time] that the choices that you make do effect you, even when it comes to Popsicles because when I got home, I then had to choose one of the three flavors out of that box!  It was too much. This little thing, picking out Popsicles, made me realise how much my choices effect me. I know what you’re thinking right now- you’re probably shaking your head and saying “oh April…” But I am serious!

Today, as I sit here typing this, I feel as though I am on day 2 of being an adult. For the past 23 years and 9 months I have had alot of decisions made for me and I noticed the other day that because of this, I expect other people to live my life for me. I looked around and it was like my eyes were opened for the first time. I had been sitting back waiting for things to happen instead of making the choices for myself when it comes to almost everything. It’s time for me to step it up and take control of my own life when it comes to who I am friends with, who I date, what I eat, what I say, etc. I am taking control and not letting anything stand in my way. So, you may see some drastic changes in me soon. It’s kind of crazy that it took a box of Popsicles to make me realise this, huh?

hittin’ those curveballs

I am a girl that loves baseball. I used to sit on my dad’s lap as a little girl and listen to him tell me abut the Twins. I loved when we would take the seven hour trek to Minneapolis to watch baseball at the metrodome and I remember watching Mark McQuire hit his 37th home run of his “try to beat Sammy Sosa” seasson. I remember this because it was the day that my Dad explained to me what a curveball was and how it was to hit a home run on a curveball. Which of course, Mark McQuire hit. 

I haven’t thought about life as a baseball game probably ever. I realised today we as humans try as hard as we can to get people motivated by saying things on blogs such as “we need to do this!” or “I was pondering the meaning of life and I found it!” I can’t say anything like that. I don’t think I’m a very motivating person. All I know is what I thought abut today. Curve balls. 

I see curveballs like I said above, a very hard thing to hit. What are some curveballs in my life? Right now, fighting to be happy. I know that sounds dumb and you can say “fake it til you make it.” but I REFUSE to do that. Because then, you don’t feel emotion. And I have lived a life of numbness for far too long. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about the significant difference in my paycheck. I used to work in an office as an administrative assistant and now work as a Teachers aid in an infant room. It’s hard to pay bills and keep my head above water with my rent, my car, my phone, etc etc etc. I was kind of complaining about my life sucks so bad because I can’t do anything without money. My friend looked me in the eye and said, “money aside, what’s so bad about your life?”  I paused. And answered “nothing.” 

When he pointed this out to me I realised, I had been ducking curveballs instead of trying to hit them when it comes to money. everything else in my life I enjoy, ALOT.  I was a little ashamed that I was complaining. 

In my life I have realised there will be curveballs. Instead of ducking, I’m going to ht them out of the park. And if I strike out, oh well. Life will be pretty great no matter what.